Handling Conflict: Why Difficult Conversations are so Hard

Why Handling Conflict Feels So Hard, What the Ladder of Inference Has to Do With It, and How to Find Your Best Way Forward

By Kimberly Best, RN, MA |Mediator, Conflict Coach, Founder of Best Conflict Solutions

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The conversations you're avoiding may be costing you more than you realize.

I learned this in the ICU and the ER. Not just about patients, but about people.

Drawing on decades as a critical care nurse, I watched intelligent, compassionate people fall apart in conflict. Not because they were broken or difficult or didn't care. Because no one had taught them how to navigate hard conversations when emotions run high and the stakes feel enormous.

I saw the same patterns everywhere: teams fractured by unresolved tension. Families torn apart by conversations they couldn't bring themselves to have. Organizations hemorrhaging talent because conflict went unaddressed. And underneath all of it, the same invisible force was at work.

Their brains were working against them.

Not metaphorically. Biologically. And once you understand why handling conflict is so hard at a neurological level, everything about how you approach difficult conversations can change.

Why Handling Conflict Feels Like a Threat (Because to Your Brain, It Is)

Here is what most people never learn: your brain has a negativity bias. It is wired to detect threats before it registers anything else. Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson at UC Berkeley describes how the amygdala, the brain region that regulates emotion and motivation, uses roughly two-thirds of its neurons to detect negative information and stores it rapidly into long-term memory. Your brain sees the frown before it sees the smile. It hears criticism louder than connection. It locks onto the one sharp comment in a meeting and replays it for hours while forgetting the nine things that went well.

This is not weakness. This is biology.

Evolution designed it this way. Our ancestors who noticed the rustle in the grass and assumed "danger" survived. The ones who assumed "probably nothing" often didn't. That survival wiring is still running the show in every boardroom, every family dinner, every difficult conversation you have ever tried to have.

Research confirms it: negative stimuli produce more neural activity than equally intense positive ones. People identify angry faces faster than happy ones, even when images are flashed so quickly they cannot be consciously recognized. The ancient fight-or-flight limbic system activates anyway. Your body responds to conflict before your thinking brain has a chance to weigh in.

As I write in my book, How to Live Forever: "We are biological, reactionary beings before we are thinking beings. When the brain is reacting, it is not even possible to think clearly." This is why you can rehearse the perfect words for a difficult conversation, then lose every single one of them the moment emotions rise. Your nervous system has already taken over.

And here is the thing that changes everything once you know it: this is not a character flaw. It is a skills gap. Nobody taught most of us how to work with our biology instead of against it. That is where the real work begins.

The Ladder of Inference: The Story You Made Up in Two Seconds Flat

If the negativity bias explains why conflict feels threatening, the Ladder of Inference explains why it escalates so fast.

Developed by organizational psychologist Chris Argyris and later expanded in Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen at the Harvard Program on Negotiation, the Ladder of Inference describes the lightning-fast mental process we all go through, usually without realizing it.

It works like this. You start with observable data: something someone said, a tone of voice, a facial expression. From that ocean of available information, you select certain pieces based on your past experiences and expectations. You interpret those selected pieces. You add assumptions. You draw conclusions. Those conclusions form beliefs. And then you act on those beliefs as though they are established facts.

All of this happens in seconds. Unconsciously. And here is the part that makes conflict so difficult: you are acting on a story you made up, and you do not know you made it up. Your conclusions feel obvious. They feel like reality. But they are built on incomplete data, filtered through your personal history, shaped by your biases.

Here is a real-world example. Your coworker does not respond to your email for two days. The data: no reply. What you select: they read it (you saw the read receipt). What you interpret: they are ignoring you. Your assumption: they do not respect your work. Your conclusion: they think your ideas don't matter. Your belief: this person is dismissive. Your action: you become cold and distant in the next meeting.

Meanwhile, their inbox was buried under a project deadline, and they had every intention of responding. Two people, two completely different stories about the same two-day silence. Neither story is the whole truth.

This is what I mean when I say every conversation is two stories coming together to create one new understanding. Your story feels completely true to you. Their story feels completely true to them. Both are usually incomplete. The work of handling conflict well is creating space for both stories so something new and more accurate can emerge.

The Ladder of Inference also creates a reflexive loop: your beliefs influence which data you select next time, which reinforces those beliefs, which makes you even more certain you are right. It becomes a self-sealing system. And that is where conflicts get stuck.

Conflict Triggers: When the Past Shows Up Uninvited

There is a reason handling certain conflicts hit you harder than they should. A comment that seems minor on paper sends you into a spiral. A tone of voice makes your chest tighten before you can form a thought. A pattern in a relationship makes you want to walk away rather than engage.

These are conflict triggers, and they are reactions to the past disguised as responses to the present.

As I have seen in both healthcare and mediation work: we are each a compilation of stored memories and emotions. Our nervous systems are wired to react to things that feel like threats, and it does not even have to be a real threat. Our reactions do not take the time to decide what is real and what is not. Our brains are triggered by things that remind us of stored painful memories. This means that very often our deepest reactions have nothing to do with the person standing across from us. Our reactions are usually a response to our past.

Think about what this means for handling conflict. Your manager gives you critical feedback, and suddenly you are ten years old hearing a parent say you never do anything right. Your partner forgets something important, and the wound is not about today's forgetfulness but about years of feeling invisible. Your sibling makes a comment about the inheritance, and decades of unspoken family pain surface in a single sentence.

If you can recognize what is going on in your body during conflict and notice when you are getting activated, even a two-minute pause to breathe can help you calm down enough to communicate effectively. During that pause, ask yourself: What is it in me that I experience as difficult? Am I feeling shame? Anger? Tension? Blame? What is really behind these feelings? Is this conflict about what is going on right now, or a reminder of something in my past?

Understanding your triggers does not make them disappear. But it creates a gap between the trigger and your response. And in that gap is where better decisions live.

The Right/Wrong Trap: The Most Expensive Mistake in Conflict

Here is something I have learned after years of helping people navigate high-stakes conversations: if you have to be right, you have to make the other person wrong.

And the moment you make someone wrong, the conversation is over. They stop listening. Their nervous system shifts into defense mode. Their brain floods with cortisol. They are no longer hearing your very reasonable argument. They are protecting themselves from what feels like an attack.

This is the right/wrong trap, and it is one of the most destructive patterns in conflict. It shows up everywhere: in workplaces where leaders dig into positions instead of exploring possibilities, in families where being right matters more than being connected, in partnerships where every disagreement becomes a courtroom argument with both sides presenting their case to an invisible jury.

The antidote is not pretending you don't have a perspective. It is caring enough about the relationship and the outcome to hold your perspective lightly. To stay curious about theirs. To remember that there aren't "people problems," there are skills gaps. When someone disagrees with you, it is not necessarily because they are unreasonable. It may be because they are standing in a different place, looking at the same situation through a completely different set of experiences.

The strongest teams, the healthiest families, the most resilient organizations are not the ones without conflict. They are the ones that have learned to disagree without destroying each other. That takes practice. And it takes a willingness to choose understanding over victory.

Reframe the Goal: Listen to Understand, Not to Win

Once you understand the biology, the Ladder of Inference, your triggers, and the right/wrong trap, the question becomes: what do you do differently?

You reframe the goal.

Most people walk into conflict trying to prove their point or defend their position. That is understandable. Your brain is literally designed to do that. But the shift that transforms conflict from destructive to productive is simple to describe and harder to practice: listen to understand, not to win.

People need to feel seen, heard, validated, and valued before they can move to problem-solving. This is not soft skills work. It is the foundation for real solutions. When people feel genuinely heard, they can finally move forward.

Try reflective listening: repeat back what you have heard in your own words. Use phrases like, "What I'm hearing is..." or "Help me understand what's most important to you about this." Research consistently finds that perceived understanding lowers emotional barriers and accelerates resolution. In a workplace disagreement about project priorities, an employee who listens first often uncovers shared goals, even when methods differ. In families, simply acknowledging a loved one's feelings can diffuse years of tension.

This does not mean you agree with everything the other person says. It means you are seeking outcomes that work for everyone rather than outcomes that prove you right. It means noticing when the conversation shifts from positions to underlying needs, because that is where real progress begins.

Half of conflicts disappear when people feel accurately heard. The other half become solvable.

Why a Neutral Third Party Changes Everything

If your brain is wired to detect threats, climb the Ladder of Inference in seconds, react from old triggers, and fight to be right, then sometimes the most important thing you can do is bring in someone who is not caught in the storm.

That is why mediators and conflict coaches exist. A skilled neutral third party creates space between trigger and response. They slow the Ladder of Inference. They help both sides climb back down to the actual data before conclusions harden into positions. They prevent the words you cannot take back.

In my work as a court-listed mediator in Missouri and Tennessee and a FINRA Arbitrator, I have seen what happens when people finally have a safe space to say what needs to be said. I do not focus on who is right and who is wrong. I focus on what is needed, what is possible, and how to move forward in ways that preserve dignity and strengthen relationships.

Mediation creates a structured path toward resolution: preparation, facilitated dialogue, and agreement-building. People are more likely to honor agreements they helped create, because they were part of building the solution rather than having one imposed on them. This works for families navigating elder care, inheritance disputes, or estrangement. It works for organizations dealing with workplace tension, leadership breakdowns, or communication failures. And it works for individuals who need help navigating conversations they have been avoiding.

Seeking help with conflict is not weakness. It is a sign of commitment to a better outcome.

Conflict Coaching: Work Through It Before You Say Something You Will Regret

Sometimes you do not need a mediator between you and another person. You need someone in your corner before you walk into the conversation.

That is what conflict coaching is: a one-on-one process where you work with a trained professional to prepare for a difficult conversation, understand your own triggers and patterns, develop language and strategies for the specific situation you are facing, and build skills that last long after the coaching ends.

Conflict coaching is especially valuable when you need to address an issue at work but are not sure how to raise it without making things worse. Or when a family conversation is looming and the emotional stakes feel overwhelming. Or when you have been replaying a conflict in your head for weeks and need help seeing it from a different angle.

I do not just help people get through today's conflict. I teach practical skills that last long after our work together ends. Because the goal is not to make people dependent on a mediator or a coach. The goal is to build the capacity to navigate tomorrow's challenges with confidence, clarity, and compassion.

When people gain the right tools and frameworks for handling conflict, even the most challenging conversations become opportunities for understanding and growth.

Like Health, Conflict Can Heal or Harm Depending on How We Handle It

Here is what decades of working in both healthcare and conflict management have taught me: conflict works like illness. It can heal or cause more harm, depending on how we handle it.

When conflict goes unresolved, it quietly drains productivity, strains relationships, and closes doors to opportunities. Unresolved workplace disputes cost organizations billions each year in lost productivity, turnover, and legal expenses. Replacing a single nurse costs over $56,000. In families, unaddressed issues lead to estrangement that can last years or even a lifetime. In healthcare, unresolved conflict compromises both patient safety and staff retention.

But when handled with skill, conflict can spark innovation, deepen trust, and strengthen relationships. The strongest teams are not the ones without disagreements. They are the ones who have learned to disagree well.

Conflict is not a sign that something is broken. It often means people are engaged and invested. When families, teams, and organizations approach disagreements with curiosity and the right tools, they discover shared goals and new strengths they did not know they had.

That is the reframe that changes everything: there are not "people problems." There are skills gaps.And skills can be learned.

Practical Tools for Handling Conflict Starting Today

Understanding the neuroscience matters. But understanding alone does not change outcomes. You need tools you can actually use.

Pause before you respond. When you feel your body reacting, that is your cue. A racing heart, clenched jaw, tight chest. Take two minutes. Breathe. Ask yourself whether you are reacting to what is happening right now or to something from your past.

Climb down the Ladder. Before you act on your conclusions, check them. What data did you select? What assumptions did you add? What other explanations are possible? The simple question "What else could this mean?" can stop an unnecessary conflict before it starts.

Separate the person from the problem. Use "I" statements: "I feel concerned about the direction of this project" rather than "You are not doing your part." No one can argue with your experience, but everyone will argue with your accusations.

Use structured conversation tools. The Best Conflict Conversation Cards, available in both Workplace and Professional Editions, provide practical prompts for preparing for and navigating difficult discussions. Teams use them during meetings, debriefs, and training to build communication habits that stick. They codify the methodology I use in my mediation and coaching practice into something anyone can practice on their own.

Address issues early and directly. Research shows that early intervention can reduce escalation by up to 60 percent. Delaying a tough conversation rarely makes handling conflict easier. It almost always makes it worse. Choose a private, comfortable space. Use respectful language. Focus on the issue, not the person.

Invest in ongoing skill-building. Conflict management is not a one-time fix. It is a practice. Self-paced training courses, workshops, peer learning, and regular team communication check-ins keep skills sharp. The organizations and families that thrive are the ones that build conflict management systems, not just fix individual conflicts.

The Most Important Conversations Are Often the Ones We Are Not Having

Whether you are a family avoiding a painful discussion, an organization stuck in destructive patterns, or a leader who needs support before a critical conversation, you do not have to navigate this alone.

I help people have the conversations they are avoiding, with courage, clarity, and compassion, so they can find real solutions without the time, cost, and damage of litigation. I work with families navigating elder care, inheritance disputes, estrangement, and major transitions. I work with organizations dealing with workplace tension, leadership breakdowns, and communication failures. And I work with individuals who need coaching before difficult conversations or help navigating workplace dynamics.

My approach is different because I bring the steadiness of a critical care nurse to high-stakes conversations. I understand the weight of crisis without judgment. I do not focus on who is right or wrong. I focus on what is needed, what is possible, and how to move forward in ways that preserve dignity and strengthen relationships.

I do not just help you get through today's conflict. I teach you the skills to navigate tomorrow's challenges. Because when people gain the right tools, they do not just find solutions for one problem. They build the capacity to handle whatever comes next.

Ready to find your best way forward? Schedule a free, no-pressure discovery call.

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To learn conflict management tips on your own, try Best Conflict Conversation Cards.

 

About the Author

Kimberly Best, RN, MA, is the founder of Best Conflict Solutions, LLC, a court-listed mediator in Missouri and Tennessee, and a FINRA Arbitrator. Drawing on decades as a critical care nurse and professional mediator, Kim helps individuals, families, and organizations navigate the conversations they have been avoiding and build the skills to find their own best way forward. She holds an MA in Conflict Management from Lipscomb University, has completed graduate studies in Clinical/Community Psychology at UNC Charlotte, and holds specialized certificates from Pepperdine University and Harvard Law School. Kim is the immediate past president of the Tennessee Association of Professional Mediators, an adjunct professor at Lipscomb University's Institute for Conflict Management, and a board member of the Association of Missouri Mediators. She is the author of <em>How to Live Forever: A Guide to Writing the Final Chapter of Your Life Story</em> and creator of the Best Conflict Conversation Cards.