In the Healthcare Leadership Excellence podcast, Karl Pister and I talked through ideas from my Best Conflict Conversation Cards, which he uses in his consulting work: the stories we tell ourselves, the anger iceberg, impact versus intent, and the power of a generous assumption. These skills matter in healthcare, at work, and at home, and every one of them can be learned. Here are nine ideas from our two conversations.

People in conflict tend to argue about what happened or didn’t happen. Who said what, who did what, who started it, who was right and who was wrong. That is almost never what the conflict is about. Underneath the argument, four things are running at once. Emotions that are hard to see and harder to name. Values that feel non-negotiable. Interests buried under stated positions. Needs that go unspoken because they are the hardest thing to say out loud.