Advantages of Anger: Activating Awareness and Achievement

We say that conflict is normal. Anger is normal too, and it's often the byproduct of unresolved conflict. But here's what most people miss: anger itself isn't the problem. It's a signal that something important needs attention.  I’ve seen a lot of people have a lot of shame around anger.  While it is not OK to hurt ourselves or others when angry, anger is a normal emotion with information to share.

I asked a group of 6th graders what they thought our brain's most important job was. While answers came like, "to think" or "to learn", the truth is our brain's main job is to keep us safe and keep us alive. With a job description like that, anger is really important. It's the alarm system. However, with a brain that is foremost thinking about life and death, it often sees threat where really none exists. For that we have to understand our anger.

Think of Anger Like Fire

Understanding Anger's Dual Nature

There are advantages to anger. Think of anger as fire. Fire can fuel an engine, propelling something forward with tremendous energy. Or it can burn things to the ground, leaving only destruction in its wake. It's this destructive potential that makes people fear anger - both their own and others'. When someone appears angry, we instinctively want to retreat, defend, or fight back. Connection feels impossible in that moment.

Yet anger shows up in nearly every conflict because it's trying to tell us something vital. People feel threatened, wronged, disrespected, frustrated, or helpless, and these experiences emerge as anger. The anger itself isn't the problem - it's the messenger pointing to problems that need solving.

What Anger Is Really Telling Us

Anger is your internal alarm system. When it sounds, something you value is under threat. Maybe it's:

• Your sense of fairness ("This isn't right")

• Your autonomy ("I need control over my own choices")

• Your respect ("My perspective matters")

• Your safety ("I feel vulnerable here")

• Your competence ("I'm being undermined")

In workplace conflicts I mediate, I often see anger masking deeper concerns. The nurse furious about scheduling changes isn't just mad about the schedule - she's worried about patient safety and her professional judgment being dismissed. The adult child angry about a parent's care plan isn't being difficult - he's terrified of losing his remaining time with someone he loves.

When we understand anger as information rather than obstruction, everything changes.

The Constructive Power of Anger

Anger can serve valuable purposes when we work with it rather than against it. It:

• Ignites problem-solving energy - That surge of "this has to change" can motivate us to finally address issues we've been avoiding

• Clarifies our boundaries and needs - Anger helps us identify what matters most and what we're unwilling to accept

• Signals urgency - It tells us and others that something requires immediate attention

• Propels us toward justice - The desire to right perceived wrongs can drive important conversations and necessary changes

  
  

However, unchecked anger intensifies conflict and blocks communication. When we let anger take the wheel, we lose access to our problem-solving abilities. We stop listening. We say things we regret. We damage relationships we value.

Managing Anger Skillfully

The key to harnessing anger is not to deny, ignore, or suppress it. It's certainly not to disallow it - in yourself or others. Anger that's pushed down doesn't disappear; it goes underground and resurfaces in more damaging ways.

Instead, try this framework:

Recognize it. Notice the physical sensations - tension, heat, racing thoughts. Simply naming "I'm feeling angry right now" creates space between the emotion and your response.

Own it. Your anger belongs to you, even if someone else's behavior triggered it. Say "I'm angry" rather than "You made me angry." This shifts you from victim to agent.

Get curious about it. Ask yourself: What do I need that I'm not getting? What value of mine feels threatened? What problem is this anger pointing toward? Often the answer surprises us - we think we're angry about one thing when we're actually upset about something deeper.

Communicate it clearly. Share what you've discovered: "I'm frustrated because I need to feel heard before decisions are made" is far more useful than "You never listen to anyone!"

Channel it toward solutions. Use that anger-energy to engage in open communication, practice active listening, work to understand different viewpoints, and collaborate toward resolutions that address everyone's core needs.

Anger as a Bridge, Not a Barrier

When managed well, anger becomes less of an adversary and more of a constructive force. It clears the air, reveals what truly matters, and creates urgency around finding solutions. It can actually forge stronger connections by bringing hidden issues into the open where they can finally be addressed.

I've watched countless mediations transform when people learn to work with their anger rather than be controlled by it. The couple who couldn't speak without shouting learns to identify their fears beneath the fury. The healthcare team stuck in blame discovers the systemic problems driving their frustration. The family paralyzed by resentment finds the best way forward by naming what each person truly needs.

Understanding and channeling anger wisely allows us to navigate disagreement with purpose and intentionality. What looks like confrontation becomes an opportunity for growth. What feels like a relationship-ending crisis becomes the conversation that finally strengthens the bond.

The emotion itself hasn't changed - but our relationship with it has. And that makes all the difference in finding the best way forward.