Responding to Bullying

I get asked about bullying so often in my conflict resolution practice. It's one of the most common contributors to workplace and relationship conflicts I encounter. Yet writing this article has been my most challenging one to date—because bullying is incredibly complicated. There are so many facets that can contribute to bullying behaviors, ranging from simply having a bad day or a momentary lapse in judgment to deeper personality challenges.

This article won't provide simplistic answers to a complex problem. Instead, I hope to share practical strategies I've found effective while working with conflict, while acknowledging the nuanced reality that people are rarely just "bullies" or "victims"—they're human beings navigating difficult situations with the tools they have.

Responding to Bullying

Key Takeaways:

- Workplace bullying has increased 44% since the pandemic began

- Focus on specific behaviors rather than labeling people

- Self-regulation is the foundation for handling difficult situations

- Practical strategies include slowing down interactions, naming what's happening, and setting clear boundaries

- Quiet, firm resistance is often more effective than matching aggressive energy

- We all may play a role in either perpetuating or disrupting bullying dynamics

- Addressing systemic bullying requires both individual and collective approaches

- Remember: "You are responsible for your behavior, not for others' reactions"

-“You can disagree and still be respectful and kind”

The Growing Challenge of Workplace Bullying

One of the things I get asked about most often – particularly in healthcare – is how to handle bullying behaviors in the workplace. It's no surprise, given the alarming statistics we're seeing across industries.

Workplace bullying has increased by 44% since the pandemic began, according to a 2023 Workplace Bullying Institute study. Approximately 30% of workers report experiencing some form of bullying behavior, with healthcare consistently ranking among the most affected industries.

Nursing, in particular, faces alarming rates of reported bullying. A recent American Nurses Association survey found that 82% of nurses have experienced bullying from colleagues during their careers. As one nurse starkly asked me, "Why do we eat our own?" This troubling dynamic often stems from hierarchical structures, high-stress environments, and a culture where such behaviors have historically been tolerated.

I realized a long time ago that you can't "out-mean mean." When someone approaches with aggressive or demanding behavior, matching their energy only creates a spiral that leaves everyone feeling worse. Instead, I've discovered something far more powerful: the ability to transform these interactions by seeing beyond the behavior to the person underneath, while at the same time advocating for yourself and respectful treatment.

Why I Don't Use the Label "Bully"

Throughout this article, you'll notice I avoid labeling people as "bullies" or "aggressive personalities." This is intentional. When we attach labels to people rather than behaviors, we miss seeing the whole person. We can start interpreting everything they do through that label, even when they're showing up differently.  It’s how our brains work, not because we’re bad people.  Our brains like shortcuts and to categorize.  It’s a challenging habit to break, labeling people by their worse moment – labeling people at all, even for me, yet the outcomes make it worth the effort.

I've found that focusing on specific behaviors instead keeps the door open for change and allows us to respond to the actual person in front of us – someone who, like all of us, is probably doing the best they can with the resources they have in that moment. It's worth asking too, "is this a moment or is it a pattern?"

Understanding What's Really Happening

When someone approaches us with demanding or intimidating behavior, there's usually more happening beneath the surface:

Behind the behavior, they might be:

- Under extreme pressure

- Lacking effective communication skills

- Testing boundaries to see what works

- Completely unaware of how they're coming across

- Falling back on habits that have "worked" for them before

Meanwhile, we naturally respond by:

- Biting back

- Refusing to help

- Experiencing diminished confidence

- Avoiding and withdrawing

- Noticing physical stress responses like tension or racing thoughts

- Developing a sense of powerlessness that grows over time

This creates a cycle where interactions become increasingly strained, and both people walk away feeling frustrated and misunderstood.

Checking Our Own Communication Style

While much of this article focuses on responding to others' challenging behaviors, it's equally important to regularly examine our own communication patterns. We all have moments when stress, frustration, or urgency might lead us to communicate in ways that others could perceive as demanding or even bullying.

Self-reflection questions to consider:

• Do I notice others becoming defensive or shutting down during our interactions?

• Am I using a tone or volume that might feel intimidating to others?

• Am I giving others adequate time to respond or process information?

• Am I making requests or am I making demands?

• Would I speak this way to someone I deeply respect or care about?

I often tell my grandchildren, "You can disagree and still be respectful and kind." This simple principle applies equally in professional settings. Disagreement and direct communication are necessary parts of effective teamwork, but the manner in which we express ourselves creates the difference between constructive interaction and harmful communication.

Some practical approaches to ensure your communication remains respectful:

• Before important conversations, take a moment to set your intention for how you want to communicate

• Pay attention to your body language and tone, which often communicate more than your words

• When feeling frustrated, acknowledge it openly: "I'm feeling frustrated right now, but I want to discuss this productively"

• Ask for feedback about your communication style from trusted colleagues

• Remember that authority and respect are earned through consistent respectful treatment, not through intimidation

By regularly examining our own communication patterns, we not only avoid contributing to negative workplace dynamics but also model the respectful behavior we hope to see from others.

Our Role in Bullying Dynamics

While it's important to understand how to respond to bullying behaviors, we must also recognize our own potential contributions to these dynamics:

- The power of our silence: When we witness bullying but remain silent, we implicitly signal that the behavior is acceptable. This silence can be interpreted as endorsement.

- Organizational enablement: As leaders and colleagues, we sometimes inadvertently reward or advance people known for problematic behaviors because we value other aspects of their performance.

- Our own stress responses: During high-pressure periods, even those of us committed to respectful communication can slip into behaviors that others experience as bullying. Self-awareness about our own stress triggers is essential.

- Cultural reinforcement: Many workplace cultures subtly (or not so subtly) reward assertive or aggressive behaviors while viewing more collaborative approaches as "soft" or ineffective.

- Institutional structures: Systems that create significant power imbalances or that lack accountability mechanisms naturally breed environments where bullying can flourish.

Recognizing these factors isn't about assigning blame but about understanding the complete ecosystem in which bullying behaviors develop and persist. By acknowledging our own roles, we gain more power to create change.

In-the-Moment Response Strategies

"Speak (or email) in anger and you'll give the best speech you'll ever regret." —William Ury, Harvard Negotiation Project

The Quiet Power of Firm Resistance

One of the most effective responses to bullying behaviors is often not matching their intensity but demonstrating quiet, unwavering resistance:

- The power of calm refusal: A simple, composed "I understand what you're asking, but I won't be able to proceed until we can discuss this respectfully" can be remarkably effective. The key is consistency—not giving in when the pressure intensifies.

- Body language matters: Standing tall, maintaining appropriate eye contact, and speaking in a steady, measured tone communicates that while you won't escalate, you also won't be intimidated.

- Collective resistance: When teams align on behavioral expectations and support each other in maintaining them, the impact is multiplied. A culture of mutual support makes it much harder for bullying behaviors to take root.

- The strategic pause: Sometimes the most powerful response is simply pausing longer than is comfortable before responding. This silent space often causes the other person to reflect on their approach.

- Documentation as resistance: Calmly noting, "I'm going to document this interaction" can create immediate awareness that may shift the dynamic.

These approaches require courage, especially in high-pressure environments or when there are power differentials. However, they often prove more effective than either aggressive pushback or passive acceptance.

Slow Down the Interaction

I've found that speed feeds into tension. It's the difference between reacting and responding. By deliberately slowing the pace, you create space for thoughtfulness.  Pause to gather yourself to act in a way that creates space for thoughtful response rather than reactive behavior.   When you deliberately pause before responding, you're more likely to choose words and actions aligned with your values rather than those driven by momentary frustration or fear.  This simple practice can transform potentially damaging interactions into opportunities for connection and mutual understanding.

- "I understand this is urgent for you. I need a moment to consider this properly."

- "Let me take notes so I understand exactly what you need."

- "This seems complex. Could we set up 15 minutes later today to discuss it fully?"

Name What's Happening

One of my favorite techniques is simply reflecting the interaction itself and naming what I'm feeling and/or what I'm experiencing. 

- "I notice you seem pressed for time. What's driving the urgency?"

- "I'm observing that your tone is quite forceful. Is there something specific concerning you?"

- "I'm sensing frustration in our conversation and it's making me feel rattled. How can we reset?"

- “Yikes” –I learned this one just yesterday from someone who has found it to be a useful tool in managing microaggressions.  it signals that what was said was coming out harshly. 

- “Did you really mean to say…….”   I also learned this one yesterday.  I like this too, as it is not accusing and encourages self-reflection and a second chance.

Set Clear Boundaries

Establishing what's acceptable isn't just for your protection—it actually leads to better working relationships. Notice the choices use "I" statements and they don't lead with "you". People are more likely to listen and pause when we speak from our experience than when we point a finger at them.

- "I want to help, but I need you to speak to me respectfully."

- "I can assist with this after you email the request following our standard process."

- "I'll prioritize this, but I need to know: when do you actually need this by?"

- "I see this is important to you. I really do want this to work out well for you. I can't do it now, yet I can have it by 1:00"

The Power of Leaning In: My Nursing Experience

When I was nursing, I was often the one who volunteered to be assigned to the grumpy patient, the frustrated family, or the physician known for being difficult. I'm not sure why I enjoyed these situations so much. Maybe I secretly envied that they could express themselves in ways I had been raised not to. Yet also, a part of me knew there was more to them – a side they didn't show, and I really liked experiencing how kindness and genuine curiosity could bring out a better interaction with people. The reward was most often worth the challenge.

What I discovered was that it wasn't actually that hard to reach the person beneath the challenging behavior. I found that through showing genuine interest, offering choices, and avoiding power struggles, I could connect with almost anyone. When you're interested in people, they become interesting.

I approached my work with the mindset that I was there to serve them while maintaining my own dignity – not at their expense but creating a win-win experience for both of us. By leaning into these interactions rather than pulling away, I was able to have positive experiences in almost every situation.

I learned firsthand that emotions are contagious. When I stayed positive, respectful, and curious, it often transformed the entire dynamic.

De-escalation Strategies That Actually Work

These approaches have helped me turn countless difficult interactions around:

- Validate Their Priorities: "I can see this project is extremely important to you."

- Acknowledge Their Expertise: "Your knowledge in this area is valuable to our team."

- Mirror Their Concerns: "So what I'm hearing is that timing is absolutely critical for you."

- Show Unexpected Empathy: "That sounds incredibly stressful to manage."

- Shift to Collaboration: "How can we tackle this problem together?"

- Offer Something Immediate: "While I work on the larger request, is there something quick I can help with right now?"

- For Every "No" Give a "Yes": "I can't do that right now, but I can have it to you in an hour."

Noticing Our Own Resistance

Something I've observed in myself and others is how we naturally become resistant when someone approaches us demandingly. We might not even realize we're doing it, but we find ourselves:

- Feeling tense or shut down

- Thinking thoughts like "They don't deserve my best effort" or "Let them wait"

- Delaying responses or "forgetting" their requests

- Spending too much mental energy dwelling on the interaction

This resistance is completely natural, but it ultimately makes things worse for everyone, including ourselves.

Overcoming Our Internal Barriers

I've found these approaches helpful in managing my own resistance:

1. Remember the person behind the behavior – Everyone has a story and struggles we know nothing about

2. Create mental distance – "This isn't personal; it's just part of my professional role."  I used to take a deep breath and tell myself, “I get paid by the minute.”

3. Define success differently – "Handling this professionally despite the challenge is my personal win"

4. Focus on your values – Your response reflects who you are, not who they are

The Power of a Reset Conversation

Sometimes the most effective approach is to have a conversation outside the heat of the moment. I've found that scheduling a brief meeting when tensions aren't high can completely transform an ongoing difficult relationship.

This works because it:

- Takes you both out of reaction mode

- Allows for preparation and thoughtfulness

- Shows professionalism and a desire for improvement

- Creates a safe space for honest communication

When having this conversation:

- Choose a neutral time and place

- Frame it positively: "I'd like to find ways we can work together more effectively"

- Focus on specific behaviors and impacts, not personality

- Propose concrete solutions and processes

- Establish clear communication channels going forward

Whose Responsibility is it?

An important lesson I've learned over years of working with conflict is understanding where my responsibility ends.  While we all want positive interactions, it's important to remember:

You are responsible for your behavior, not for others' reactions.

Even when you follow good process and communicate effectively:

- Some people will still be unhappy

- Their dissatisfaction may relate to things you know nothing about

- Your honesty done kindly might be an opportunity for their personal growth

- Their response is ultimately their responsibility

This isn't about being indifferent to others' feelings. It's about maintaining healthy boundaries and respecting that everyone has their own work to do. Sometimes the most respectful thing we can do is allow others the dignity of their own emotional process.

Working Together: Team Approaches

When you regularly deal with challenging behavior as a team, these approaches help:

- Create subtle support signals between colleagues

- Take turns handling difficult interactions to share the emotional labor

- Debrief with each other afterward to process and learn – not to gossip or create silos.

- Develop shared language and strategies

- Celebrate small improvements in the relationship

Closing Difficult Conversations Effectively

How you end an interaction sets the stage for future ones:

- "Let me summarize what we've discussed to make sure we're aligned."

- "I'll send you an email confirming what we've agreed to."

- "Let's check in tomorrow to see how this is progressing."

Addressing Systemic Bullying

While this article focuses primarily on interpersonal strategies, it's important to acknowledge that bullying can also be systemic; embedded in institutional structures, including governmental ones. In these contexts:

- Individual strategies remain valuable but may not be sufficient

- Collective action becomes particularly important

- Transparency and documentation are essential tools

- Seeking allies in positions of influence can help create change

- Formal reporting mechanisms, while imperfect, should be utilized

- Consider how you can support those who are experiencing bullying

The skills we develop in addressing interpersonal bullying—self-regulation, boundary setting, de-escalation, and empathy—remain relevant even when confronting systemic issues. By combining individual resilience with collective action, we create the foundation for healthier systems.

Remember that addressing bullying, whether interpersonal or systemic, is rarely simple or quick. It requires persistence, courage, and a commitment to both personal wellbeing and broader change. The strategies outlined in this article aren't magic solutions, but they do provide a starting point for transforming these challenging dynamics.

The Growth Perspective

I've come to see these challenging interactions as opportunities for professional growth. Those who master difficult workplace dynamics develop emotional intelligence that serves them throughout their careers.

The skills you build navigating these situations—self-regulation, boundary-setting, de-escalation, and empathy—enhance all your professional relationships and often lead to new opportunities.

While you can't control others' behavior, your thoughtful responses can transform even the most challenging workplace dynamics. With practice, what once felt intimidating can become just another type of interaction you're fully equipped to handle.

What approaches have you found helpful in navigating challenging workplace behaviors? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments below.

About the Author: Kimberly Best, RN, MA, is the owner of Best Conflict Solutions, LLC. With a background in nursing and advanced degrees in Conflict Management, and Psychology, she specializes in Mediation, Facilitation, Restorative Practices, and Conflict Coaching, with particular expertise in organizational and healthcare settings.

A frequent speaker and trainer on conflict management, Kim is also the author of "How to Live Forever: A Guide to Writing the Final Chapter of Your Life Story."

Learn more at https://www.bestconflictsolutions.com or connect on LinkedIn.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/responding-bullying-kimberly-lsege